A Dark Alley

In my recent writings, I have made comments about how I don't understand and even disagree with some of the ways in which Koreans do business. This was not meant to bash Koreans and their culture. I was just expressing my discomfort and frustration that comes when adapting to a different way of life. Plus, you have to remember that I come from what is probably the most ethnocentric country in the world; I can't shed all that has been instilled in me. I do notice more feelings of discomfort from fellow Yankees than those of other backgrounds, though. I think we all find discomfort or confusion when traveling to foreign lands, but actually living in another country is a little different. Things like setting up a bank account, working, buying a cell phone, doing laundry, and any other tasks and/or chores that come along with modern life are not commonly experienced by the traveler. Immersing yourself in the everyday life of another culture can definitely be humbling, frustrating, and rewarding at the same time. I'm still relatively new here and have plenty more things to experience, but I do feel as though I have experienced things I didn't even imagine when initially deciding to come here. Some of these things have been amazingly frustrating, but these difficult situations are also what have made this adventure unique and special. So when I talk about culture clash and awkward experiences, I am only working through my ethnocentrism and frustrations for you, my audience. Hey, I think some of it can be pretty darn funny too.

Here's a good one for you. I was walking to a soccer field at a nearby elementary school with a friend the other day, but both of us only had a vague idea of the exact location. We took a right down an alley off of the main road only to be met by rows of small rooms on either side of the road with prostitutes sitting in each doorway. While the sight was ubelievably surprising and quite overwhelming, we had to focus on finding this soccer field. Using common logic, we decided to ask one of the street ladies where the elementary school was. There's something about asking a hooker for directions to an elementary school that just doesn't seem right, and I think she immediately realized that. She began to laugh from the gut while she screamed across the street what I can only believe was something like, "Can you believe these stupid whiteboys are asking me, a sex worker, how to get to an elementary school?" After everyone had a good laugh, one of the maddams in the area (an old and weathered woman) pointed in the direction of the school and hurried us off. I think I might go back and ask them if they can show me where the nearest Synagauge is.

Shopping

Since moving into my new place, I've been quite the consumer. Shopping, though, can be a major headache in this metropolis. I went looking for a used cell phone the other day at one of the biggest electronic shopping malls in the world. There is a whole floor dedicated to phones that is quite overwhelming and very confusing. Koreans don't buy used goods, so finding a used cell phone is a pain in the hiney. I went to countless booths asking for prices of the used phones on display, but was told more often than not that they weren't for sale. Huh??? Most vendors had close to twenty or thirty used phones on display, but none were for sale. Why the f*@k did they have them on display then? And they looked at me like I was the one that was crazy. I guess they just can't grasp the idea of someone wanting to buy a phone that doesn't take pictures, play mp3s and videos, and wipe your behind for you too. One guy even took me to a spot that supposedly sold these used phones, then had someone else tell me that none of them work. Call me crazy, but if I'm trying to sell some merchandise, I'm not going to display a bunch of stuff that is outdated, doesn't work, and is not for sale. That would just make too much sense. Sure, there is a communication gap between me and these vendors and I may be missing something, but I don't think I'm too off on this one. Furthermore, with mobile technology that can do everything but take your pulse, you'd think this country would use some modern technology like a clothes dryer. From what I've seen and experienced, dryers haven't been invented yet in Korea. Maybe I've been spoiled with all my years of having April fresh and soft clothes out of the wash, but I'm having a hard time adjusting to crispy and coarse clothes off the drying rack. Granted, I have yet to buy an iron. I hate ironing though, and I do not want to spend my time pressing my underwear so it won't tear my butt checks apart.
I did finally find a phone, but have yet to activate it with one of the mobile companies here. I'm sure that will be another great experience.

This country really can be weird, though. With all of the modern technology here you'd expect different surroundings, but it is still a developing country that is much further ahead in technology than anything else. The streets and buildings can look ancient, but you'll see kids running around with cutting edge cell phones, mp3 players, and all sorts of other cool gadgets. I'm still trying to figure this place out, and I'm enjoying most of it.

Size Matters

To all the people out there who say that "it's not the size that counts, it's the... (insert clever metaphor here)," I beg to differ. I moved into what was supposed to be a temporary apartment, but I was given the option of staying there or moving again. Since this place is more than twice the size of what I would have had, I've chosen to stay. The only drawback is that it's a basement. I've considered the darkness and mildew and have decided that size matters. This place is huge. I'm getting a couch and armchair, a dining table, desk, TV, and a full size bed. I would have had a single bed and a table in the other place without room for anything else.

Here's some food for thought. I've been making a half-assed attempt at learning a little Korean (numbers, and small phrases). I've also been grading student diaries and have realized more and more that Koreans don't use articles (the, a, etc...) or use them incorrectly. This isn't because they're thick, but is because they don't use articles in their language. When you really think about it, it makes sense. The English language and all other latin based languages are filled with useless articles and confusing tenses. It is really hard to learn and can be extremely hard to teach when certain concepts don't translate into the student's native language. So next time you get flustered or want to make fun of an Asian person for not speaking proper English, consider how difficult it is for them to learn what is, a lot of times, a confusing and senseless language.

Bathroom Talk

I'm moving tomorrow. I'm not, however, moving into my new place. Apparently it's not ready yet, so I'll be living in a temporary place for the next two weeks. I'm a little pissed off, but I'll get over it. What will piss me off more is if this temporary place is nicer than my new one. That would just be wrong. I'll tell you one thing, neither can be worse than my current house. I woke up the other day to a mosquito buzzing in my ear and an overturned cockroach beside my bed. It kinda smells like someone took a huge dump in the kitchen a couple years ago and it's just been rotting there with someone stepping in it occasionally. That smell doesn't even rival the sewage drain at the base of the stairs leading up to my street. Every time I cross it I gag at the stink of the whole block's ca-ca rushing under my feet. If I actually wanted to cook in the polluted kitchen (which I don't), I wouldn't even be able to use the stove. The gas does not work unless you hold it on "light" the entire time you cook. The bathroom is huge, but the toilet is stained with years of dookie droppings. Why haven't I complained yet you may ask. I always knew this was a temporary place and decided to look past its' imperfections and take it for what it is, free housing.

I was supposed to go to an island this last weekend for chusok (Korean Thanksgiving), but got rained out. Instead a bunch of people met up for a nice curry, some drinks, and board games at a friends house. It was great fun, but one must be careful when casual drinks at two in the afternoon turn in to a night out till five in the morning. Needless to say, my Sunday was not pleasant. I did make a recovery and managed to go to the Seoul Grand Park Zoo on Monday. My last memory at a zoo was somewhat of a traumatic experience. I was just a wee boy standing in one of the circular window frames looking at the tigers with a Coke in my hand. I guess one of the tigers didn't like the look on my face and jumped toward the window letting out a huge growl. I fell backward onto the ground spilling all of my coke onto my head in front of about twenty people. I think I gave one of those delayed cries after looking around and realizing that I was young and should be crying. No tigers jumped at me this time, but I did get to see some unexpected wildlife. While looking at the elephants, I came across a little boy on his father's shoulders. The unexpected was that he did not have any pants on. If he had not had a shirt on, it wouldn't have seemed so odd, but the shirt was on. I don't care how old you are, who does that in a public space. The sight doesn't really bother me; I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. If the kid is young enough to be naked in a zoo, then isn't he probably young enough to pee on his dad's neck. If he's old enough to be potty-trained, then why isn't he wearing pants. I guess I'm grateful for his insistence on breaking social norms since it has given me something to write about.


I think that about does it for me this time. Sorry for all the pooh talk. I have to go pack for the move.

Music

Some people say that you should bring pictures and posters here to make your home feel more like your real home. I'm sure that helps, but the music I have on my computer and ipod keep me comfortable and remind me of things that pictures could never do. Maybe I'm just wired that way, but music has an unbelievable way of capturing a moment, person, or general time in my life down to the most minute details. Don't get me wrong, I love pictures, but I rarely find a picture that reminds me of a time that I wasn't either partying, traveling, or at some significant event that isn't easily forgotten anyway. Maybe I just don't take enough photos. Music, though, has a way of bringing back memories that have been tucked way back in my brain that would not have been sparked any other way. There are some songs that I absolutely hate, but will listen to anyway because they bring back a fond memory. So when I listen to my ipod on shuffle mode, I don't know what sort of weird or precious memories will come about. It's always something new.

While I've been enjoying reminiscing through the past with my music, I have also stumbled upon some stuff that is just plain annoying. For the past three days, I have not been able to get Duran Duran's "The Reflex" out of my head. I feel like I've been put through some freaky Korean torture chamber with no way of getting out. As I write this, Simon Lebon is serenading me in my head. Just when I feel like I've escaped this 80's pop hit, it comes right back louder and more intense than before. The only thing this song reminds me of is that I haven't been able to escape it for the past three days. And it keeps reminding me, over and over and over.... If anyone's out there, please give me something else. Anything else.

On my last blog, two people decided to post some comments. While I welcome any sort of constructive criticism, compliment, or even a note of pure hatred and jealousy towards my brilliant writing style, I do not welcome ass holes trying to advertise in this space. I'm sure those who posted ways to get zero interest loans or get involved in some sort of pyramid scheme haven't even taken the time to read a word I've written. On the off chance they visit again, consider this a great big PISS OFF!!!

More Culture Clash

Avoiding pork in this country is like me trying to come up with a clever simile right now (I'm not that good at analogies and can't think of anything, feel free to help out. The point is, it's nearly impossible). People understand what vegetarian means, but what is and isn't meat is not as clear to them. For example, I told someone that I don't eat beef and pork, so she said, "but you eat pizza, right?" while pointing to a large pie on the table. My answer would have been an enthusiastic yes had the pizza not been covered with bacon, ham, and sausage. It's kind of like that scene in My Big Fat-Over-Hyped-Greek Wedding when the mom responds to the groom's vegi status with, "It's ok, I make lamb."

I played soccer for the first time in probably ten years, and I'm proud to say I scored two goals. It must be all that natural athletic talent...or the fact that I was in the right place at the right time. It was great fun though, and a good work out. The only thing wrong was that we had to play on a dirt field. There isn't much grass in this country. The highlight of the game, though, came off the field while we were taking a break. One of the Korean fellas on the other team was so fascinated with my friend's leg hair that he started grabbing it. It was pure comedy watching this guy pick at the strange white man's hairy legs looking like a baby discovering his genitals for the first time. Koreans have little shame. A slightly heavy girl was telling me that Korean women will grab the hanging fat on her arms and tell her that when she loses weight, she'll get married. They're about as tactful as Babs Bush after a hurricane (how's that for an analogy). I have yet to show off what I like to call my soul-patch of back hair, but I'm sure it will turn some heads.

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

Please excuse my choice in language, but with my limited vocabulary coupled with my sheer anger I can't think of a better word to describe former first lady, Barbara Bush. She's a CUNT!!! According to her, "so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them." Oh sure, I'm sure all those people are elated to have lost their homes, all their possessions, and jobs. With a new $2,000 check card, they're going to start living the good life. And all those who are dead are probably better off too. They really didn't have much to live for anyway, so it's actually a blessing in disguise that they have been taken out of their misery. Way to go Katrina, you really helped out a lot of the less fortunate. Way to go W, your poor response and leadership has helped all these people either die or start a new life with no clothes, homes, or jobs. I'm going to take former president George H.W. Bush's suggestion and stay away from the editorial/op-ed section of the New York Times too. All of those "liberal" journalists including the three-time Pulitzer Prize winner Thomas Friedman just make too much sense sometimes. If it wasn't already clear enough, we can now see where W gets his knack for tactful speaking.
Too keep you up on my progress in Seoul, things are going well. I'm a millionaire now. Sure it's in won, but let me enjoy looking at all those zeros on my bank statement for a while. I've joined a rock band. I'm excited to keep banging the drums, and I'll try not to lose my funky. I have to stop writing because we have speech contests at school in an hour. It's the only Saturday I have to work this year and my boss is taking us all out for ribs afterwards. Since I still don't dig on swine, he has arranged for the restaurant to make me a few chicken dishes. I'll let him slide for cutting me off mid-sentence in our last meeting since he's been so accommodating.
Peace

I would say that I can't believe what I'm reading about the criticism of the Bush Administration, but I'd be lying. I am in no way surprised at the lack of strong and decisive leadership that we have seen in the past week. All I read now is an admission that a federal response to Katrina was "unacceptable," but Mr. President wants to save lives instead of playing the "blame game." In other words, he's saying, "I've done a shit job of acting like this is top priority in my book, but now I'm trying to save face and divert people from blaming me until later when I appear a little more heroic and a little less incompetent." How many times do we have to watch this administration screw up, realize they screwed up, then try to cover up their faults with a new agenda and silenced criticism.
In my last blog I claimed that Kanye West's comments on the NBC fundraiser may have been said in the wrong place and time. I have reconsidered. I wrote that because I was afraid I might offend some people reading this or create some sort of conflict in opinion. That has to stop. In the past few years I've witnessed myself and others save their "liberal" opinions for the dinner table and other "liberals." While preaching to the choir might feel good, it's not enough. Everyone needs to have a voice.
I'd love to say that your tax money would help pay for relief, but that's not the case. You can take comfort in the fact that your tax money is keeping the National Guard and soldiers who have lost their families and homes in the Middle East looking for terrorists and instilling "freedom" in Iraq. How about that? We've spent so much money and exercised so many resources, that we can't even provide aid and protection for ourselves at home. What if there were another natural disaster or terrorist attack right now? How would we deal with that? The war on terror can't be won and will only take away more money that could be saving lives in the Gulf Coast right now by providing clean water, food, shelter, recover boats, etc...But try telling W that.
Here's an idea, take our tax dollars that are funding the war and use them towards aid for Katrina. Then, try to raise money through private donations and fundraising for the war on terror. What do you think the outcome would be? (I realize this is far-fetched and impossible, but think about it). How about this, if a natural disaster like Katrina happened around W's ranch, do you think it would take him a week to react...
The people in the Gulf deserve better. Americans deserve better.

Real News

With all the disaster, death, war, and horror that has been flooding the news these days (no pun intended), I'm relieved that some journalists are sticking to the issues that really matter. Michael Jackson went to the Hard Rock Cafe in Dubai to eat buffalo wings. The hard rock has three varieties of wings that range from mild to hot but use clever rock and roll lingo to describe the spice value. "It was not clear which Jackson sampled," wrote an E! Journalist. We need to get someone in Dubai to get a stool sample from the King of Pop to find out. What good is knowing he had wings if you don't know what kind they were. You can be sure I that I'll stay glued to the internet to find out what the wing of choice was. I'll also keep a close eye on any news about Martha Stewart now that she has her ankle bracelet off, and that Kanye West really has me steamed since publicly questioning the choices and actions of the Bush administration. How dare he exercise his first amendment right on national TV (I realize it probably wasn't the best time or place, but when is the time right to voice your opinion these days?). It's so comforting to know that entertainment journalists will not let a mere hurricane or war distract us from the news that really matters. If they did, it would be like saying, "the terrorists and hurricane have won." We can't let that happen now, can we... God bless America!
(I have the deepest sympathy for all those who are in or have family in the Gulf region and hope that everyone already has or can recover safely from this tragedy)


I went to the Jaramun Jazz festival yesterday. I'm still debating whether the two hour journey to get there was worth it. I guess you could say that it was worth it since I would have just been sitting on my rear or been out drinking with other westerners otherwise. We got there just as the sun was setting which was absolutely beautiful from our vantage on a small island surrounded by mountains. There were plenty of different tents with guys carving wooden baseball bats (very cool to watch), fish tanks, clothes, paint ball, and other things that I can't recall. The food was probably the highlight. We grilled chicken, veggies, and rice cakes in a skillet placed in the middle of our table (see attached picture). We all took turns stirring with the oversized wooden spatula. Whether the chicken was fully cooked or not is still in question, but I haven't been sick yet. One person got sick last night. I guess sanitation and food poisoning is much less off an issue here than in the states. They just give you some food to cook and let you fend for yourself without the slightest concern for what might come out of your body later. Everything has been solid for me thus far, so keep your fingers crossed...

Singing and Scrabble

I had my first noreban experience last night. What's noreban? Well, it's what we westerners know as karaoke, but better. We went after a going away party for one of the teachers at the school, so we were all well lubricated by that time. When I think of karaoke, I think of a big room crowded with a bunch of weirdos waiting an hour to get up and sing "Endless Love." Not at noreban. Your party gets a private room with two mics, comfy couches, and a bunch of tambourines. We had to sneak in the beer. No long lines, no annoying frat boys singing Bon Jovi, just you and your friends having a great laugh privately. My only beef with the whole experience is that one of the Korean teachers at the school took my bread and butter song. I was crushed. I was going to save "Greatest Love of All" till things started winding down, but this b-tch went straight into it for her first song. I'm going to have to teach her a thing or two about showmanship and stealing other people's acts...

Some of my students almost beat me in Scrabble. How embarrassing is that? We split into three teams: two teams of four girls and the only boy in class and I. These girls were vicious. I started the game playing nice because I wanted them to have a chance, but they quickly took advantage. Straight away one of the teams spelled "aqua" for a triple word score and 39 points. I had nothing, and this kid on my team was purely dead weight. He wanted to put an "O" after a "D" to spell "do" for three points. I tried to get him to reconsider, but he was intent on spelling "do." Who am I to rob a child of his moment in the spotlight? I soon took over, though, and took the lead shortly before class was over and saved myself from weeks of embarrassment. I played again in the next class and showed no mercy. "Dark" for 42 points was my big word of the round. How much of a loser am I for taking pride in this???????

I must go. Have a good weekend!